i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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