Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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