i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
