Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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