I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
