Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
