New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
