i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
