I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
