so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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