well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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