my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
My legs feel like baby dolphins
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
