Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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