My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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