we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
