I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
BRING THE BAGELS
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Randomize
