i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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