It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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