Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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