I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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