Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
