I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
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Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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