I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
My ass is underappreciated
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles