he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
