i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
she peed on how many people?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
i believe in u and ur pee
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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