The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Your penis caused this!
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
