Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Every concussion has its silver lining
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
