i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Randomize
