My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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