i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
