woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
