i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
