I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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