Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
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