I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
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He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
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did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
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