I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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