I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
