we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
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I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
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I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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