I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
