Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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