I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
