I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Randomize
