I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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