On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
