Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
