I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Green mimosas i think yes
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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