Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
