Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
He has the fingertips of a God
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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