he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
