my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
