I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
