I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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