there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
