I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
COCAINE IS GR8
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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