He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
He shit in the fireplace
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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