I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Randomize
